Events of public violence, death or danger, such as terrorist attacks, the abduction or murder of loved ones, mass shootings or natural disasters can leave children feeling confused, suspicious, disoriented and fearful.  This is true for many children, even though each child responds differently and some responses may not be as obvious in some children as in others.
 Some children may talk freely about what has happened, but others may find it difficult to identify or discuss their feelings.  This may be even more difficult for children if adults around them appear uncomfortable, fearful, angry or out of touch with reality.

To the extent that they are ready to talk, children need an opportunity to talk about both the facts and their feelings related to the situation.  They will be be concerned about both what happened and why it happened.  If a child is unable or unwilling to talk about what has happened and how it makes them feel, they may benefit from overhearing adults and older children discuss it calmly and carefully in a way designed to be overheard and understood by a child.

•   •   •

What Children Need

During or following public events of violence and death or in the event of impending danger, children need to be comforted and reassured.  They need to know:
 • That the world (their world, family, school or community) is not spinning out of control.
 • That people who care for them -- parents, grandparents, teachers -- have and will continue to take
    specific steps to protect them from the danger of violence.
 • That human violence is always a choice -- even when it is made by individuals who do not think they
    have any other choices.
 • That there are always other choices besides violence, and most people choose them most of the
    time -- in fact, the chances of being a victim of violence under normal circumstances are very small.
 • That most natural disasters are preceeded by some warning, and people usually have the opportunity to
    anticipate and prepare.
 • That God does not make such things happen and God does not use violence to punish people; in fact,
    God is sad when human persons suffer from the violence inflicted on them by others.

•   •   •

What Parents Can Do

Clarify the facts.
• Ask your child to share what they know about the violent incident--what they have heard, seen or
   read.  Use the information your child offers to create a factual summary of what happened.  If necessary,
   correct mistaken information.  (You may want to ask a younger child to draw a picture of what happened
   and explain their picture outloud.)
   This will give children an opportunity to "externalize" what they know, are thinking or are imagining. It
   will give parents an idea of how much children know and an opportunity to clarify facts and allay
   unnecessary fears in a non-emotional context.  Talking about violence in a reasonably non-emotional and
   factual way is in itself reassuring; it says we do not have to be afraid of this information.

Identify feelings.
• Conduct a word-association exercise in which you ask your child to suggest feeling words for how
   this violent incident makes people feel.
   Present this first in the third-person ("how do people feel?"); this allows a child to express feelings
   which they otherwise might be afraid to recognize in themselves.  When it is appropriate, move on to
   "how do you feel?"

Discuss "Why?"
• Ask your child to share why they think this event happened.  Encourage as many possibilities as
   possible.
 • Explain that many natural disasters are just that--natural; it is the way nature works.  Other natural
   disasters occur because human activity, over time, has disrupted the natural laws of nature.
 • Explain that no one knows for sure why someone commits a violent act in a particular
   situation, although many individuals commit violent acts because they are angry, feel afraid, want to
   get even, want to control other people, feel helpless, or because they have been taught that
   violence is an acceptable solution to their problems.
 • This is a good time to help your child realize how easily persons can decide that violence is a good
   solution because they see violent solutions modeled in adult behavior, government action, in popular
   music, television shows, movies, videos and video games.
  Discussing "why" helps children see that things do not happen for no reason; there are reasons
   people choose violence -- even if we don't know for sure what those reasons are, or don't think they
   are good reasons. This does not justify violence, but it helps explain it.

Identify Alternatives to Violence and Disaster.
• When disussing natural disasters, focus on what people can do to anticipate natural disasters and
   minimize the damage they cause.
 • When discussing particular human acts of violence, you can also help your child identify non-violent
   alternatives.  What could or should the perpetrator done instead of choosing a violent act?  Why would
   this have been a better choice?  Who or what might have helped the person make a better, non-violent
   choice?
 • Help your child identify situations which lead to conflict and potential violence in the family, school,
   among friends, in the neighborhood, in sports.  Discuss or role-play conflict-resolution techniques
   which help people chose non-violent solutions for conflict.
  This helps children understand that violence is not inevitable because there are legitimate
   alternatives to violent actions.

Identify What's Being Done to Protect Your Child.
• Review with your child what is being done in your family, in school, and in other environments to
   protect your child from the danger of violence or disasters. Explain specific rules and habits which help
   protect your child from day to day and week to week.  Discuss any additional actions which could be
   taken to minimize the possibility of any family member being a victim of violence or disaster.
  In order to feel safe, particularly after a violent event, children need to be reminded of the concrete
   things which are being done on a regular basis to protect them from violence. They need to know
   that parents and other caring adults are aware of potential dangers and have taken steps to protect
   them.

•   •   •

Connecting to Our Faith

Violence or an impending danger is a particular challenge to people of faith.  Almost always it raises questions like, "Where is God in all of this?" "Why does God allow things like this to happen?" or even "Why does God do this?"

What Children Need to Know.
   Following a violent event or in a dangerous situation like a pandemic, it is important to reassure children of what we believe and why faith makes sense.
According to their age, you can help your child know that:
 • God loves and cares about every human person; God does not cause violence and God does not
    punish people with violence or disasters.
 • Because God's son Jesus died a violent death on the cross, God understands how we feel when we
    experience violence, pain and suffering.
 • Suffering, pain and death happen because we are imperfect and unfinished human beings living in an
    imperfect and unfinished world where accidents happen and people sometimes choose to do bad things.
 • God gave human beings freewill so that we could freely choose to do good things and not be forced
    to do what God wants us to do.
 • For one reason or another, sometimes people use their freewill to do bad things.  Some people have
    mental or emotional illnesses which prevent them from using their freewilll to make good choices;
    others live in circumstances which limit their freewill or make them feel desperate.
 • God also gives us grace which empowers us to make good choices.  Jesus was born, lived, died and rose
    from the dead so that God's grace would be available to everyone. He sent the Holy Spirit to help us
    make good choices.
 • We can use our own ability to make good choices, to help other people make good choices, to reduce
    conditions which make people choose bad choices, and to help people who are the victims of accidents
    and natural disasters.
 • The Church helps people receive and use God's grace to make good choices and forgive people who
    make bad choices.  The Sacraments help us recognize, accept and celebrate God's grace.
 • In addition, the Church helps people who are the victims of violence or natural disasters recover and
    live normal lives again.
 • In spite of all the terrible things which happen in our world, Christians are people of hope.  We believe
    that God's love and grace is stronger than anything else.
 • Jesus died and rose from death to show us that good is stronger than evil; we believe that eventually
    God's grace will conquer all evil.

What People of Faith Can Do.
People of faith are not helpless in response to the bad choices which other people make or the suffering which is caused by natural disasters and accidents.
According to their age, you can help your child respond to violence by:
 • Prayer.  Every prayer is first of all an expression of our trust that God's Spirit is at work in the world,
    fixing what needs to be fixed and healing what needs to be healed in God's own way and in God's own
    time.  Prayer helps us live with hope, courage, patience and love in spite of the bad things that happen to
    us and to others. It helps us receive and use God's grace to do good things.  Because we believe in life
    after death and the Communion of Saints, prayer connects us with those who have died; we can pray for
    them and they can pray for us.
 • Acts of Kindness.  When we are kind and respectful to other people we show them God's love and
    grace; our example and God's grace can help them to make good choices instead of bad ones.  
 • Acts of Charity.  When we make good choices and do good things for other people we help repair
    the damage which is done by our own and other people's bad choices and by natural disasters.  Our acts
    of kindness and compassion can help encourage and support the victims of violence.
 • Acts of Reconciliation.  When we admit that we have done something wrong, when we say we are
    sorry, when we forgive others, when we act with mercy, when we choose to settle differences
    peacefully, we are using God's grace and showing people that violence is not the only way to deal with
    our problems.
 • Participating in church and learning about our faith.  When we pray together with other people, learn
    more about God, and study about the history of our faith we grow in our understanding of God's love and
    grace; we strengthen our own ability to use God's love and grace to make good choices; and we help
    others use God's love and grace to make good choices which do not lead to violence.
 • Reflecting on Scripture.
   > Read the story of Jesus and his friend Lazarus in John 11:28ff.
     This story shows Jesus' sorrow at the death of his friend and illustrates God's compassion for
      people who suffer pain and loss.
   > Recall the incident in which Peter cuts off the ear of the high priest's
      servant in Matthew 26:51ff.
     This story illustrates Jesus' opposition to violence.
   > Read Psalm 23.
     This is an ancient and reassuring statement of a fundamental Judeo-Christian belief in God's
      compassion.

•   •   •

Parenting Resources

Tips for Talking to Children After a Disaster (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services)
Talking to Children About Violence (National Association of School Psychologists)
Talking to Children About Community Violence (American Academy of Child and Adolescent
    Psychiatry)
Don't Say Nothing (Learning for Justice)
Fred Rogers Talks About Tragic Events in the News (The Fred Rogers Company)
Help Your Child Feel Safe (Peace at Home)
How to Talk to Children About Difficult News (American Psychological Association)
How to Talk to Your Children About Covid-19. (Psychology Today)
How to Talk to Your Children About War. (Romper)
How to Talk With Children About the Church's Sex Abuse Crisis  (Waterloo Catholics)
Is Your Child Worried About Mass Violence at School? (Peace at Home podcast)
Living With the Bear (Learning for Justice)
Six Coping Strategies for Children After a Trauma (Huffington Post)
Talking With Kids About Tough Issues--Violence (Children Now)
Talking to Kids About Fear and Violence (Mental Health America)
Talking to Kids About Gun Violence (age-level guidelines) (The New York Times)
Talking to Children About Violence and Other Sensitive and Complex Issues (Teacher Vision)
Talking to Kids About the News (PBS Parents)
Talking to Your Children About Coronavirus. (Where Peter Is)
Teaching and Parenting During Covid-19 (Fordham News)
Four Ways to Help Your Child Manage Fear (U.S. Catholic)
Letting Go of Stress--A Kid's Guide (CareNotes)
Listen, Protect and Connect—Psychological First Aid for Children and Parents (University of
    California School of Public Health)
Ten Tips for Making Sense of Evil. (Psychology Today)
How to Recover from Disaster. Julian Ford. (Psychology Today)
How to Help Children Cope With Violence (The Conversation)
Coping with the Recent School Shooting.  Eugene Beresin. (Psychology Today)
How to Help Children Cope with Extreme Violence and Extreme Prejudice (Teaching
    Tolerance. Fall 2015)
How to Talk to Teens About Current Events (Parents 2021)

•   •   •

Faith-Based Resources

Confronting a Culture of Violence—A Catholic Framework for Action. (U.S. Conference of Catholic
    Bishops)
Confronting Violence. (U.S. Catholic Special Issue/includes video):
In Reponse to Tragedy. (VibrantFaith@Home)
Coping with the Spiritual Trauma of Public Tragedy (America)
Dealing with Tragedy (Parent Further)
Family Pledge of Non-Violence (Institute for Peace and Justice)
Helping Kids and Others Make Sense of Tragedy (Our Sunday Visitor)
How to Help Children Cope with Tragedies (Our Sunday Visitor)
How to Help Children Understand Why Bad Things Happen (Where Peter Is)
How to Respond to Terror Attacks and Tragic Events (Catholic Link)
How to Talk to Kids Sensibly About Violence (Aleteia)
In a Crisis, Parents Must Be There (Parenting.org)
Living the Mass—What Does It Mean to ‘Go in Peace’? (Loyola Press)
Moving On—The Power of Forgiveness (RCL FaithFirst)
Raising Children Without Fear (Sojourners)
Respecting Life in a Violent Society (Millennium Monthly)
Turning to God in Times of Tragedy (Loyola Press)
Violence—Facing Down an Ugly Reality (St. Anthony Messenger)
Violence in the News--Five Things You Can Do (Igntium Today)
What to Do When Bad Things Happen (Parent Further)
Where the Hell Is God? (Thinking Faith)

[Last Update 05.26.22]