Here are some common concerns which people frequently have about prayer and some thoughts which might relieve the anxiety which so many people feel about prayer.  The checklist here can help you determine which of these concerns are common to you.

1. I am not very satisfied with my prayer life.
   The truth is, many people – maybe most people – feel dissatisfied with their prayer life.  In many cases, this is because they have heard idealistic and unreasonable expectations about prayer, or they have been told that they should pray a particular way for a certain amount of time. Most people who are worried about their prayer spend way too much energy searching for the perfect technique—how to do it—instead of focusing on the purpose of prayer—why we do it.  As most couples discover, intimacy does not depend on technique; it depends on the quality of the relationship.  And, as in any relationship, the goal is pretty simple: 1) Grow in awareness of the Other's presence and love; 2) Grow in gratitude (a willingness to embrace) the Other's love; and 3) Grow in generosity (the desire to share that love with others).
> If you are concerned about your prayer life you should first accept the fact that what you are doing now is a start.  You can always improve, adapt or change, and there are lots of resources to help you do that, but don’t underestimate what you are already doing.
> Read: Nine Reasons to Pray
> Read Why Pray At All?
 > Listen to this audio guide to Prepare for Prayer.

2. I am not comfortable with when, how and how much I pray.
   Remember that prayer takes place within the context of a relationship—a relationship between God and us.  Prayer is a form of communication, and as in any relationship, when, how and how much we communicate differs from person to person and from circumstance to circumstance; it often changes over time and adapts to new situations.  In addition, communication between persons takes many different forms and often occurs spontaneously, arising out of the circumstances at hand. Some couples talk a lot; some write notes, send flowers, or make it a point just to be present to one another. In any case, the key to communication -- and to prayer -- is the ability and desire to listen--to be come aware and appreciative of the Other's presence and concern for us.
> Many people think they are “praying” only when they are doing something—which, most of the time, means saying something.  Remember that prayer is always a response to how we have experienced God’s presence or absence in our lives.
> Read Simple Listening Prayer
 > Read Stages in Prayer
> Read There Is Nowhere to Go Where God Is Not
 > Read Prayer--A True Encounter

3. I don’t feel I pray as much as I should.
   This concern presumes that there is a “right” amount of time for prayer that is appropriate from person to person.  There is certainly a minimum amount of communication which is required to maintain any relationship, including our relationship with God, but how much or how little differs widely among relationships—and at different stages in a relationship.  Couples who are courting talk a lot more than couples who have been married for 45 years.  Sometimes the amount of communication indicates how important the relationship is to us, but not always.  How much we pray depends: Is our relationship with the Divine strained?  Am I avoiding God?  Is it possible that God is trying to communicate with me, but I’m not paying attention?
> Remember that the ultimate goal of prayer is to become more aware of, and more grateful for, God’s presence in our lives and in the world around us. That’s why St. Ignatius urged his followers to place a priority on the daily Examen – a prayerful examination or review, usually performed at the close of the day.
> Read How God Speaks to Us
 > Learn more about the Daily Examen
> Discover how God speaks through feelings and emotions
> Watch How God Gets Our Attention
 > Read Have You Heard the Voice of God?

4. I’m not sure I’m praying the right way.
   Prayer professionals will often suggest the best ways to pray, and offer certain prayer formats or forms which they say are helpful or necessary, but the truth is, there is no “right way” to pray.  The best way to pray is the way which is best for you, which is to say the way which is most natural for you--the way which best fits your personality, the circumstances of your life, and your relationship to God. If you are a talkative, verbal person your prayer may involve a lot of words; if you are a more reserved, reflective person, prayer may not involve a lot of words but rely instead on unspoken thoughts or feelings -- even desires, St. Ignatius says.  The truth is, if prayer feels like work you are probably not praying in a way that comes naturally to you.
> No one gives us a set of rules on how to communicate with a loved one, other than to be attentive, honest and responsive.  The same is true with prayer. It’s not something we can reduce to a formula; it’s a response which rises up naturally from our hearts.
> Read If It Doesn’t Work Don’t Use It
 > Read: Don't Wait for Guidance About Prayer, Just Do It
 > Watch: There Is No Right Way to Pray
 > Watch: When We Don't Know How to Pray
 > Listen to: The Right Way to Pray Is Whatever Works Best for You
 > Listen to: Is There a Correct Way to Pray?
 > Discover Four Informal Ways to Pray
 > Watch: How to Pray For and With Those in Need

5. I feel uncomfortable about praying; it makes me feel guilty or embarrassed.
   Like any intimate conversation, prayer involves a certain amount of vulnerability.  We are often identifying and expressing deep personal needs, fears or failures which can make us feel guilty or embarrassed; we may express things which we otherwise try to hide or deny.  It helps to remember that these things are never hidden from God, who already knows the secrets in our hearts. Honesty (and humility) is always a key component of communication—and prayer.
> Remember the parable of the Forgiving Father and the Prodigal Son—the Father’s love is not conditional; God loves us unconditionally and is pleased when we can admit the truth--not so much to God, but to ourselves. And, like the Forgiving Father, God celebrates when we do. God is not embarrassed or ashamed of us.
> Read Confession, Vulnerability and Healing
 > Read Who Is the God We Are Praying To?
 > Read Be Honest With God When You Pray
 > Read Praying the Truth

6. I feel like praying is kind of childish—adults should be able to take care of things themselves.
   Society encourages us to be independent and self-sufficient—to take care of ourselves—in spite of the fact that no one is capable of being entirely independent and self-sufficient; every single one of us needs other people in one way or another, at one time or another, from the moment we are born to the moment we die.  Prayer is an expression of our relationship to, and dependence upon, God, without whose initiative we wouldn’t even exist.  But our relationship to the Divine should be a responsible adult relationship.  We are not totally helpless children; we are not totally dependent.  God has given us certain gifts and abilities which help us to do some things for ourselves and for others, and to depend on God or someone else to help with what we cannot do for ourselves.
 > The reflection required for prayer helps us discern between what we can manage for ourselves, when we need help from others, and when we must trust entirely in God’s providence. This is an insight which comes with maturity—and prayer.
> Read Having a Mutual Relationship With God
 > Read An Adult Prayer Life--You Can Get There from Here
                                                                                                                         
7. I do a lot of asking in prayer, but not too much thanking.
   To be honest, that’s not totally surprising.  In any relationship, we tend to communicate more when there are problems, when we need someone’s support, or can’t fix things by ourselves.  Any relationship revolves around that kind of mutual-dependence.  It’s important to be grateful and to intentionally express that gratitude, but there is a certain amount of implicit gratitude already contained in our request for someone’s help once we stop feeling shameful for the fact that we are not perfect and need help.
> Gratitude arises naturally when we accept the fact that we need God’s help because we are not perfect and can’t do everything for ourselves.  As we grow in our nability to accept our dependence on others and on God, we will also grow in gratitude for the ways in which God responds to our needs.
> Read this article on Gratitude
> Listen to this video on being real in prayer

8. I don’t feel that saying a lot of words is very prayerful.
   There's nothing particularly prayerful about saying a lot of words, but that’s usually the first way we are taught to pray and sometimes we never get beyond that.  The truth is, we can pray in lots of different ways--often in ways which cannot be expressed well in words: through our thoughts, our feelings, our imagination, our fear, our desires.  We can write journals, create poems, keep diaries, paint pictures, write music and do our jobs well. In this sense, our entire lives can become a prayer.  The Christian tradition has always held special esteem for contemplatives or mystics—people who pray by entering quietly into God’s presence and noticing what God wants to say.  We know from our own experience that communication is not just about talking; sometimes it’s mostly or entirely about listening.
> Any person in an intimate relationship can remember a time when they talked too much and listened too little; the result can be disasterous.  In prayer, we can learn a lot by listening to ourselves, but even more by listening to the Divine Presence in our lives.
> Read: Simple Prayers Are Just As Good As Wordy Ones
 > Read: The Prayer of Listening
 > Read: True prayer is spontenous
 > Find a model for Simple Listening Prayer
 > Find a guide to meditative prayer for beginners
 > Read How to Pray With Your Imagination

9. I’m not sure I understand why or how God answers prayers.
   Some of the things attributed to prayer are simply coincidences which, by God’s design, occur in an unfolding universe where good things are just as likely to happen as bad things; they may or may not be attributed to our conscious or unconscious disposition. Many other things attributed to prayer are the result of God’s grace working through us or other human beings.  Rarely, God appears to intervene directly and miraculously to accomplish something that it appears nature or human beings are unlikely or unable to accomplish under the circumstances.  What is never a coincidence is that God loves us and desires our happiness, both in this world and in the next.
> Although we often pray that God will “fix” what’s wrong right now, every prayer is first of all an expression of our trust in God's Spirit, revealed to us in Jesus Christ, who is already at work in the world making all things right.  This process of redemption takes time, for a God who has eternity to accomplish the task.
> Read: How to Develop A Sacramental Imagination
> Read Why Is God Silent?
 >Read What to do When God Doesn't Answer
> Read What Does Prayer Do Anyway?
> Read What Are We Doing When We Ask God for Something?

10. I think God would answer my prayers if I prayed more or prayed better.
   This concern assumes that there are times when God isn’t paying attention, or perhaps isn't convinced that we are sincere.  But the fact is, God is not hard of hearing; God hears every prayer and every thought we have.  As Jesus teaches in the Gospel, “In praying, do not babble like the pagans, who think that they will be heard because of their many words….  Your Father knows what you need before you ask him” (Matthew 6.7).  In another Gospel, Jesus tells the parable of the persistent widow who is eventually rewarded—for her trust in God as much as for her persistence (cf. Luke 18.1-8).
> Again, every prayer is first of all an expression of trust in God’s providence or care.  Prayer is always based on our conviction that God is already at work in the world doing what needs to be done in God’s own way and in God’s own time. “Be patient. God isn’t finished with us yet” is good advice.
> Read How to Shake Up Your Stale Prayer Routine
 > Read Does Prayer Change God's Mind?
 > Read What About Unanswered Prayer?

11. I feel like God has a lot of more important things to take care of than the things I’m praying about.
   The fact is, some of the things we pray for may seem insignificant compared to the needs other people have.  Finding our car keys seems trivial compared to finding a lost child or recovering from a deadly disease -- and in a way it is.  It’s helpful—and humbling—to admit that fact; it helps put our lives and our needs into perspective.  Perhaps it actually changes what we pray for.  Still, God is the loving parent who cares as much about the needs of a five-year-old as of a twenty-year-old or a seventy-year-old. A child’s needs may seem trivial compared to an adult’s, but in the child’s eyes—and in God’s—they may be just as important.
> Prayer is the expression of a relationship with the Divine; that relationship is shaped by who we are, where we are, and what we need.  We can share with God like we would share with a loved one or trusted friend to whom nothing would seem trivial or unimportant.
                                                                                                                         
12. I make good intentions about praying, but they never last long.
   Chances are, you’re not being realistic about prayer. You’ve chosen a style of prayer that doesn’t fit your personality, the circumstances of your life, or your relationship to the Divine.  Maybe you’ve chosen a prayer format or schedule that doesn’t really work well for you.  Maybe you’re trying to pray too much.  Maybe you’re trying to pray at the wrong time of day.  Maybe you’re inflexible about when and how you pray.  Maybe you’re praying about the wrong things.  Maybe you’re saying more than listening.  All of this makes prayer seem more like work, and that leads to frustration.
> Like any conversation, prayer is largely spontaneous and you can’t force (or schedule) yourself to be spontaneous.  The goal of prayer is to let it happen, often when we least expect it; the challenge is to take advantage of it when it does, and to realize that prayer is more an attitude than a habit.
> Read Building a Prayer Habit
 > Read How to Start and Sustain a New Prayer Practice
 > Read How to Pray When We Don't Feel Like It
                                                                                                                         
13. I get bored when I’m praying and am easily distracted.
   The emotional intensity of any relationship ebbs and flows.  There are times when it is high and communication comes easily; at other times it takes more effort, and may even seem like a chore.  Most of the time prayer should come naturally and easily if we are using a format and a schedule which fits our personality, the circumstances of our lives, and our relationship to the Divine.  If we are bored, it may be a sign that we are not really praying about the important things in our lives—the things that really matter, the things we are afraid to acknowledge, or the things that we fear the most.
> Remember too that sometimes distractions are God’s way of saying, “But what about this…?”  If listening is the most important part of prayer, it’s good to remember that when we are really listening we can’t always anticipate or control what, when or where we might hear God’s voice.
> Read Boring Prayer Is Still Good Prayer
> Read Wandering Prayer

14. Sometimes, I am unable to pray.  I can’t find the words or the desire to pray.
    There are a variety of reasons why we may have periods of time when we cannot pray or choose not to pray.  Often, these follow some experience of loss or disappointment.  In those cases, we are so used to praying that bad things won’t happen, we are too angry or discouraged when they do.  At other times, guilt or shame may block our ability to pray.  In those cases, it may seem incongruous, pretentious or hypocritical to pray given what we have thought, said or done. In effect, we feel like hiding from God, even though we know God is there and is well aware of who we are, how we feel, and how we fail.
> Remember that we can express anger, disappointment and confusion in prayer when we have nothing else to say.  And we can pray even when we are ashamed to pray because we pray to a God who is infinitely compassionate, a God who understands when we are angry, resentful, or ashamed, a God who is like the Prodigal Son’s Father who cuts short the son’s confession with a gesture of welcome and forgiveness.  At such times it may be helpful to remember Jesus’ words: “I did not come to call the righteous but sinners” (Luke 5.32).  Few of us would ever pray if we waited until we felt truly righteous.
> Read How to Rekindle the Desire to Desire God
> Read What Should I Do When I Feel Too Guilty to Pray?
 > Read How to Pray When You're Ashamed
 > Read How to Pray When You Don't Feel Like Praying
 > Read What to Do If You're Too Ashamed to God to Confession

15. Unlike some people who seem so sure that they can hear God's voice or feel God's presence, I experience no sense of either.  My prayer seems to fall on deaf ears.
    Some people experience what the medieval mystics called a "dark night of the soul" in which they have no perception of the Divine presence.  These periods of spiritual emptiness can last for months or years and are commonly considered a deprivation because one feels abandoned by God, and one recalls Jesus' cry from the cross, "My God, my God; why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27.46).  In another way of thinking, however, this experience might be considered a privilege in which  one has been invited into a deeper and more profound relationship with the Great Mystery which exceeds the limitations of human feelings, images or words. It takes courage, faith and hope to believe during such silent times; in these conditions, the message from a silent God comes in the words of the Psalmist: "Be still and know that I am" (Psalm 46.10).
> If you experience something like a dark night of the soul, you might find consolation from reading the Psalms (especially the Psalms of Lament), the book of Job, or the testimonies of St. John of the Cross and St. Mother Theresa of Calcutta.  In these dark nights we can sit in silence, trusting that we are deeply loved and we can become more involved in serving others as an expression of the love we trust but cannot feel. 
> Read Why Is God Silent?
 >Read St. John of the Cross's poem, "Dark Night of the Soul"
 > Read Understanding the Dark Night of the Soul
 > Read Mother Teresa's Long Dark Night
 > Read What Mother Teresa Taught the World About Embracing Spiritual Darkness
 > Read In my Soul--the Long Dark Night of Mother Teresa
 > Read The Dark Night As Impasse
 > Read an excerpt from Thomas Moore's Dark Night of the Soul
 > Read Praying When It's Hard
 > Learn more about the Prayer of Lament
> Read How to Keep Listening When God Seems Silent
> Read What to Do When I Feel Nothing in Prayer

16. I would like to improve my prayer life but don't know where to begin.
   There are many options for a person who wants to improve their prayer life.  One is visiting with a pastor, confessor, or spiritual guide, or with a friend or colleague who seems to have an active and meaningful prayer life.  Another is finding a prayer partner to pray with on a regular basis.  You can also consult the multitude of books which examine various aspects of prayer.  Among these, two good possibilities are Learning to Pray--A Guide for Everyone by Fr. James Martin SJ or Opening to God--A Guide to Prayer by Fr. Thomas Green. Two books which examine the  broader context in which prayer arises are Belonging to God--A Personal Training Guide by Fr. Charles Murphy and I Heard God Laugh by Matthew Kelly.
> Keep in mind as you examine various suggestions and resources that what works well for one person might not work well for you.  There is no one way to pray and no "right" way to pray.  Moreover, your relationship to God develops and changes over time; so will how you express that relationship in prayer.  In the end, trust yourself and avoid comparing yourself to others.  You'll know when it's working well for you, regardless of what someone else says.
> Find a list of Resources on Prayer and Praying

17. I would like to find a prayer partner, but don’t know how to.
   Finding a prayer partner can be a challenge.  Sometimes, a pastor, spiritual guide or parish staff member can suggest someone who might be a likely prayer partner for us.  It is more likely, however, that we will be the best judge of who might be a good prayer partner--someone we know well enough to know that they appreciate the importance and the nuances of prayer, someone who has or is developing the ability to listen and to respond to the prompting of the Spirit in their lives, someone who shares a style of prayer which is helpful and comfortable for us.  This is not necessarily someone we know intimately (like a spouse, family member or best friend) or someone who would be worried, frightened or threatened by the honesty and vulnerability which sometimes emerge in shared prayer.
> Finding a prayer partner is a little like dating: comfort, confidence and commitment develop gradually over time but usually starts with the assumption that we will simply move on if it doesn’t work out.

Written by Dave Cushing.  Copyright Protected.
 

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Busy Catholic's Guide to Prayer

[Last Update: 06.18.24]