The heart not only wants what it wants, it mourns what it loses.  Grief is as common and inevitable as death, but a whole range of events other than death can trigger grief in human beings.  Any loss or separation which disconnects us from someone or something we relied upon for security or support, identity or companionship, confidence or consolation are likely to cause grief.  Separation or divorce,  the end of a friendship, gradual diminishment of a one's own or a loved one's physical and mental health, loss of employment, financial insecurity,  leaving a home, the death of a pet, destruction caused by a natural disaster or acts of violence, failure to achieve a goal or realize a cherished dream, the awareness that something important was missing in our childhood or a previous relationship -- to one degree or another, all of these involve loss and will trigger sadness, pain and grief.

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What You Should Know About Grief

• All loss creates grief.  It is the nature of human beings to become attached to other persons, things and conditions.  Their loss, even when expected, triggers a natural reaction of sorrow and grief -- it's one of the things that makes us human.  This experience commonly incorporates a variety of emotional responses such as shock, denial, anger, guilt, bargaining, and depression -- even relief, if the loss stretches over a long period of time -- all of which precede and sometimes preclude eventual healing or acceptance.  Often we experience these emotions in a logical kind of sequence, but they may overlap and sometimes seem to be mixed up in the given moment.  A bereaved person needs to accept the fact that these feelings are perfectly natural and perfectly acceptable.

• Every person grieves differently. There is no right way to grieve.  Each individual grieves in his or her own way, and on his or her own terms.  Some begin the grieving process at the moment of loss (even preceding the loss in cases where loss can be anticipated); others focus on the various tasks at hand and postpone the grieving process until all of the necessary arrangements are completed.  Some of us manage to postpone the grieving process entirely, unaware that postponed or hidden grief will eventually emerge, often in unexpected ways like relationship issues, emotional distress, substance abuse or health problems.  The true cause of this "hidden grief" often goes undetected, and therefore, unresolved.

• Grieving takes time.  How long the grieving process lasts differs widely from person to person.  In part, how long the grieving process lasts may depend on how strong the lost emotional bond was, how much time the grieving person had to prepare for the loss, what other emotional bonds are still present in a grieving person's life, his or her natural resilience, and whether or not they had developed an unhealthy dependence on whom or what was lost. It is true that life goes on, but not without an appropriate period of grieving. In the past, social custom often prescribed a certain period of mourning and more or less sheltered grieving persons; today family, friends, spiritual confidants and grief counselors can help us decide if we are delaying or rushing the grieving process.

• Grieving is a healing process.  Like healing from illness or surgery, healing from loss requires a carefully balanced combination of rest and activity.  In the immediate aftermath of a loss, a grieving person may not feel like doing anything; they feel emotionally drained, disinterested, even depressed.  On the other hand, some bereaved persons occupy themselves in normal daily activities without allowing time for emotional and spiritual healing.  As a norm, a person healing from loss will resume personal and social activity gradually over time, making time for rest and healing until they are functioning as fully as possible under conditions of the "new normal."  Even then, there may be periods (around special occasions and holidays, for instance) when we need to step back and rest in the sorrow of our loss.

• One never completely recovers.  The loss of someone or something which we have depended upon to support and sustain us will always be experienced as a loss.  In one sense, we never completely "get over it," but we do learn to live with it.  The spiritual writer Fr. Ronald Rolheiser has written, "You will never be whole again and nothing can change that. But you can be happy again; perhaps more happy than ever before."  Still, Rolheiser adds, "that loss of wholeness must be grieved or it will manifest itself in anger, bitterness, and jealous regrets."  In other words, we learn to appreciate sorrow and loss as a natural part of life -- a part of life which leads to new kinds of life, if we are open to embracing it.  Individuals who have healed from the pain and sorrow of loss will go on living with enthusiasm and hope, but they will always remember and cherish -- and mourn -- what has been lost.

• Grief can be hidden.  "Hidden" grief is grief which a bereaved person has been unable to face or which is not recognized by significant others or society at large.  Unacknowedged grief can manifest itself in various ways which appear to have no other cause: inexplicable weariness, a lack of energy or enthusiasm, the inability to make decisions or finish tasks, depression, feeling restless, loss of interest in things you used to care about, anxiety, impatience, anger, difficulty getting along with others.  Hidden grief is just as dangerous as an infected wound which is covered over or ignored. 

• Even persons of faith grieve.  Religious persons may find consolation and hope in their religious convictions about life and death, but faith is not a form of denial and it is not a substitute for grief.  For the time being at least we are living in this world, not the next, and in this world pain, suffering and loss are very real.  The Christian Gospels testify to Jesus' compassion for those who had suffered loss, his response to the grief of his friends Martha and Mary when Lazarus died, even some ambivalence about his own impending death.  The Gospels suggest that Mary and her companions were distraught by the Lord's death.  In short, faith may help sustain us during the grieving process, but it cannot substitute for it.
> Learn more about the spiritual challenges of grief here.

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How to Cope With Grief

   Theologian and grief expert Judy Esway, writing some years ago in Catholic Update, suggested four important tasks for persons healing from a painful loss:

• Face the truth.  The first task is to accept the reality of the loss -- what has been lost is gone, and is not coming back.  Early on, we may be in shock and feel numb or stunned.  We may experience denial, which isn't a bad thing because it helps us accept the loss in small doses.  Facing the truth also means accepting the fact that, whatever the circumstances, we did the best we could.

• Acknowledge the pain.  Losing someone or something that is important to us is painful -- it hurts.  Trying to deny or cover-up the pain with alcohol, sleep, food, drugs or over-work only delays the process of healing.  Dealing with conflicting emotions can make us feel disorganized and confused,  but things will eventually straighten out.  Talking with a good friend, pastor, or grief counselor can also help.

• Accept the "new normal."  Over time, we will gradually get used to the way things are without the person or condition that we have lost.  This is the "new normal."  From time to time the pain and sorrow will return, but they will not be as intense and usually won't last as long.  For the most part we are sleeping better, getting out more, and we know we are going to survive.

• Move on with life.  The final task is to grow beyond the loss and get on with our life.  This may take some time, but life goes on even if it is radically different and takes longer than we had hoped.  Special events, anniversaries, holidays, certain places, a favorite song may still remind us of the loss we have mourned but we are generally comforted by the fact that we have survived and may even flourish.

   From time to time, individuals have problems adjusting to the "new normal" or moving on with life.  This could be because there were problems facing the truth or acknowledging the pain, or because there were unresolved problems or conflicts which preceeded and overshadowed the loss.  Resolving these issues with a counselor or spiritual guide may be necessary before a bereaved person can adjust and move on.

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Entering Into the Paschal Mystery

   The fact is that all around us we see a familiar pattern in life and in nature: life leads to death, and death leads to new life.  For Christians, this pattern is exemplified in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  It is called the "Paschal Mystery," the mystery of passing over.  Christians believe that, like Jesus, we are all passing from this life through death and resurrection into new and everlasting life.  It is a life-long process, but it is replicated in smaller and shorter ways throughout our lives, day after day, year after year.  Every change, every experience of growth, every choice, every new opportunity or new relationship involves the loss of what went before and the elimination of other choices.  Those losses, while sometimes painful, lead to something new and something different -- new life.
   For Christians who are grieving a loss, especially the death of a loved one, the Paschal Mystery is the ultimate resolution of our grief.
• On the one hand, we are consoled by believing that our loved ones have passed over into new life.
• On the other hand, we are also consoled by believing that the loss we have suffered can, with the grace of God, lead to new life for us as well, however unexpected or unwelcome the change may be. 
   As we pass through the stages of grief -- from  anger and denial to eventual acceptance -- we should gradually recognize and embrace new opportunities and challenges which will give meaning and value to our lives, even in the absence of a loved one whose loss we mourn, and trusting in Christ's promise: "I am with you always, even to the end of time" (Matthew 28.20).
Learn more:
> The Paschal Mystery
> The Best Is Yet to Come

Related Links:
> Spiritual Challenge of Grief
> Holiday Sadness and Grief
> Resources for Persons Who Are Grieving
 

Disclaimer
This information is not provided by medical professionals and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical help or personal counseling.  If you are in need of immediate help,
contact a medical professional, a suicide prevention hotline, or call 9-1-1.

[Last Update: 01.08.24]