Recent publicity about the sexual abuse of children and youth  by Catholic clergy, and efforts by church officials to cover up reports of abuse, can put Catholic parents in a difficult or at least challenging position.  Should we talk to our children about this or not?  And if so, What should we say? and How should we say it?

The first answer to these questions is: "It depends."  For instance, it depends on the child's age and how interested or concerned they might be:
• Younger children may know nothing about the abuse crisis and may need to know nothing.  Some,
   however, may have heard adults, classmates or friends talking about it, and be somewhat curious. 
• Older children and younger adolescents with access to social media and other forms of information
   may be more aware of the situation in general; they may or may not be interested or concerned. 
• Adolescents in general are likely to be quite aware, and may have questions or concerns about how
   and why this behavior occurs among people they thought to be responsible adults.

Before talking about the issue with children or young adults, parents should try to determine if they are interested and concerned, and how much they know.  As a general rule, experts say, it's not necessary or helpful to have this conversation with children who are not aware or are not concerned.  Any conversation presumes that your child or young adult understands what sexual abuse means in a way which is appropriate for their age, understanding and maturity.

If you suspect that your child or young adult  may know something about the sex abuse scandal and be concerned about it, you can approach it by asking an open question like, "So have you heard much about the sexual abuse scandal in the church?" then proceed to "What have you heard?"  "What do you think about all of that?" "Do you have any questions?"

If you think your child or young adult is aware and concerned but not very willing to talk about it, you can share some of your own information and feelings if you can do so cautiously and calmly so as to not "overload" the child with information or emotions. In some cases, if your child or young adult is unwilling or unable to discuss the issue directly, you can discretely arrange to have them "overhear" a conversation between adults in the family as long as that conversation is thoughtful and calm. 

Although the sex abuse scandals in the church raise powerful emotions among Catholic adults, too much emotion can frighten children and make young adults uncomfortable.

In the end, perhaps the most critical question  or concern children and youth may have about the sexual abuse crisis in the Catholic Church is: Why stay in a church like this?

Every Catholic adult who does not abandon active participation, or leave the church completely, will have a personal answer to this critical question, but the answers may generally revolve around the fact that the church is a like a family, and people do not generally abandon the family because it has problems -- even very serious problems like sexual abuse. 

As many Catholics know from personal experience, it is possible to love a deeply flawed person, and so it is possible to continue loving the Church as well, but never at the cost of denying, condoning or enabling destructive and sinful behavior -- and never at the cost of endangering the personal, moral or spiritual safety of ourselves or others.  In some cases, we may continue to love a person even if it is no longer possible to live in a healthy relationship with them.

The fact is that the church is both human and divine.  Like all of us, it struggles to show the best side of both its human and spiritual nature, and it often fails.  As Catholics we may have been too quick to forget that members of the church, including the clergy, are human beings who are imperfect and sinful, but never irredeemably so. 

The sexual abuse scandal is a particularly horrendous and sinful failure of individuals and of the institutional church, but our faith assures us that the church, like any individual or family, can -- and by the grace of God will -- finally correct this horrible failure.  Otherwise, it could no longer call itself the Body of Christ.
                                                                                                                                   --Dave Cushing

•  •  •

What to Say About the Sexual Abuse Crisis

Here are some things your child or young adult might need to hear about the sexual abuse crisis in the Catholic Church.  You should adjust the information you provide according to the individual's age, level of concern and ability to understand:

• The sex abuse scandal is a very real and serious problem in the Catholic Church.  Sexual assault,
   abuse or harassment are not only illegal but immoral, and do very serious personal, emotional and
   spiritual harm to the victim; these harmful effects often last a lifetime, and are very difficult to
   overcome.
• The number of clergy who are guilty of sexual abuse is small, and the incidence of sexual abuse in
   the Catholic Church does not appear to be much greater than for other professional organizations. 
   However, what upsets many people is not only the abuse itself, but also efforts by church authorities
   to ignore or hide it. Adding to public anger and disgust is the impression many people have that the
   Church has claimed, and people expect the Church and its leaders to be, exceptional models of
   goodness and holiness.
• Church authorities have been aware of the sexual abuse problem in the church for some time, and
   have taken steps to correct it.  Most dioceses, including ours, have implemented the provisions of
   the Charter for the Protection of Children and Young People adopted by the U.S. bishops in 2002. 
   These provisions are designed to increase awareness of, and insure protection from, sexual abuse
   of children, youth and vulnerable adults.
• It is hard to tell exactly how effective these measures have been, but there is reason to believe that
   they have reduced the incidents of sexual abuse by clergy in the Catholic Church. No one at this
   point is suggesting that they have eliminated all sexual abuse, and the question now is: Are more
   measures needed to prevent the kind of past abuse which is only now being reported or to prevent
   efforts to cover up reports of abuse.
• Pope Francis, numerous other church leaders, and many observers have raised the possibility that
   there are still attitudinal, systemic or organizational conditions in the Catholic Church which may
   contribute to the possibility of abuse occurring and being covered up.  Homosexuality and celibacy
   are sometimes listed among those factors, although there is no convincing evidence that either of
   them contributes directly to a pattern of sexual abuse among Catholic clergy.
• Instead, observers are more recently focusing on what is being called the "clerical culture" (or
   "clericalism"), an environment or atmosphere which tolerates or shields unacceptable behavior,
   including sexual abuse.  This culture, rooted in absolute authority and blind obedience, creates fear
   and mistrust on the one hand and an attitude of entitlement and secrecy on the other.  According to
   Pope Francis, this clerical culture depends on "a peculiar way of understanding the Church’s
   authority" which is common to "many communities where sexual abuse and the abuse of power and
   conscience have occurred."
• Finally, children and youth need to know that this problem can and will be fixed.  In spite of
   ignorance, deception, environmental or systemic conditions which may have permitted and hidden
   sexual abuse in the past, there is nothing inherent in the fundamental nature of the church which
   makes sexual abuse common or inevitable.

•  •  •

•  •  •

Resources for Catholic Parents

Here are some resources which parents might find helpful in talking to children and youth about the sexual abuse crisis in the Catholic Church.

• How to Talk to Children About the Church Sex Abuse Scandal. Christine Rousselle. Catholic
   News Agency. September 9, 2018.
• Talking  About Sexual Abuse Scandals in the Catholic Church.  Roy Petitfils. October 3, 2018.
• For Parents--Talking to Children About the Church Scandal.  Catechist Magazine.  August 21,
   2018.
• The Clerical Sex Abuse Scandal--What Parents Can Do and How to Talk With Kids.  Jerry
   Windley-Daoust. Peanut Butter & Grace Blog.
• What Can I Say to My Kids When They Ask Why We Keep Faith in This Church?  Kerry
   Weber.  America. August 15, 2018.
• We Need to Talk--Why Children Need to Hear From the Church About Abuse Prevention.
   Elizabeth A. Heidt Kozisek, Ph.D.  U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops.
• Why Remain Catholic With So Much Scandal?  (video) Bishop Robert Barron.  August 29, 2018.
• Talking to Kids About Sexual Abuse.  Harry Kimball.  Childmind.org
• How to Talk to Kids About Sexual Abuse and How You Can Help Prevent It. Lena Aburdene
   Derhally. The Washington Post. February 8, 2017.
• How Can I Protect My Child From Sexual Assault?  Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network.
• How to Talk to Your Kids About Sexual Assault. Dr.  Eugene Beresin.  Psychology Today.  
   September 3, 2018.

Related Links
• How the Church's Sexual Abuse Problem Is Being Addressed
• What You Can Do If You or Someone You Know Is the Victim of Sexual Abuse
• What You Can Do If You Are a Catholic Who Is Confused, Troubled or Angry
• Reflections on the Sex Abuse Crisis
• Parent Guide--What You Should Know About Protecting Your Child from Sexual Abuse
• Parent's Guide to the Protection of Children and Adolescents (Age-Level Guidelines)

[Last Update: 12.31.18]