This guide contains information on how to address issues of sexual and physical abuse with children at various ages. This material includes general guidelines as well as specific information which children and young adults need to know at different ages. The information in this section was provided by the Archdiocese of Dubuque’s Office of Catechetical Services. Specific ideas on how to share this information with your child are also available from the Archdiocese.
Directory by Age
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• General Guidelines for Speaking With Children About Sexual Abuse
• Preschool-Grade 1
• Younger Elementary -- Grades 2-4
• Older Elementary -- Grades 5-8
• Adolescent -- Grades 9-12
• Listen and understand what your child might be thinking or feeling.
Ask them about their questions, concerns, and issues; their issues are certainly not all the same as ours. Try to understand what they have heard from the media, teachers and friends. Affirm their curiosity, questions, fear and concerns.
• Prepare yourself before you speak with your child.
Ask God for the guidance and wisdom you will need. And, take time to honestly assess your thoughts and feelings about child abuse. You may find it helpful to process these thoughts and feeling with a spouse, a trusted friend, mentor or spiritual director. It is important to know where you are with the issue. If you are not comfortable with talking about child /sexual abuse, find someone who is.
• Be honest with your child.
Lack of honesty has caused some of our problems. Secrecy may have been intended to spare both victims and perpetrators from embarrassment, but it has led only to greater harm in most cases. Be clear about child abuse. Lots of things are getting jumbled in the media. It is helpful to give young people accurate information. However, be age appropriate; talking with Prekindergarten and Kindergarten is a whole lot different from talking with sixth grade students and high school students.
• Don’t blame the victim.
Talk to young people about the importance of getting help for their friends (or for themselves) if they are the victims of abuse. affirm the courage of victims who have reported their abuse. Make sure conversation does not lead to “blaming the victim.” It is wrong to say “He’s 15, he should have known better;” or “Why did she keep seeing him if he was abusing her? It’s her fault too.” Children should know that the adult is always in the position of power and is always responsible for the abuse.
• Reassure your child.
Let young people know what is being done to keep them safe. Explain what you, their school, the community and the church has done to keep them safe.
Your child should know these general rules for safety:
-- Adults should always be present when there are activities and events
for young people.
-- Adults purchase or bring for the group’s use only things that are
appropriate for young people to have and use.
-- The “Buddy System” which pairs one young person with another young
person is a good safety precaution, particularly when one must leave
the rest of the group.
-- It is not appropriate for an adult to share a bed with young people when
on a trip, or for a young person to sit on an adult’s lap.
-- If a young person is uncomfortable with a hug, then an adult should not
hug or ridicule that person.
-- Adults should always meet with young people in areas that are
accessible and visible.
-- Adults should carefully select volunteers in consultation with others to
ensure the quality of adults working with your young people.
-- It is always a safe practice to have two adults present.
• • •
The following is information your child should know.
1. God made me special and others must respect me and I must respect
myself.
2. We have families, friends, and a church family to help us grow in love.
3. Safe touch makes a person feel loved and cared for. Unsafe and
unwanted touch makes a person feel uncomfortable and unhappy.
Unsafe and unwanted touch must be avoided and immediately reported
to a parent or trusted adult.
4. We show respect for ourselves and others by how we talk and how we
act. Each person must show special respect for the private areas of
our bodies. Areas of the body covered by shirts and shorts are private.
5. Good choices help us be happy and bad choices on our part or on the
part of others can cause great unhappiness. We must make good
choices even if others are making bad choices.
6. Small children, older children, and adults can do things or behave in
ways that are wrong. We avoid and report bad or wrong behaviors to
be safe.
7. Secrets are not good and can harm us. We must tell secrets to a
trusted adult. Good games and play are fun for each person. Bad play
is not play, it is wrong.
8. We learn to tell good friends from bad friends. Some friends love and
help us. Other friends are not truly friends. Good friends do not ask us
to do bad things or things that harm us.
9. I am surrounded by people who love me and who will help me be safe.
My parents and family members and trusted adults in my life help to
keep me safe. If anyone ever harms me in any way, I will find help.
10. My parents and family members and other trusted adults will listen to
me and help me. I will make a list of three trusted adults I can go to with
any problem in addition to my parents and family members. My parents
and I will make this list together.
• • •
The following is information your child should know.
1. God created me and I am unique and unrepeatable. Because I am
created in God’s image and likeness, I must give and receive respect.
2. Our families and trusted adults and teachers work together to help us
grow.
3. Safe touch makes a person feel loved and cared for. Unsafe or
unwanted touch makes a person feel uncomfortable and unhappy.
Unsafe and unwanted touch must be avoided or immediately reported
to a parent or trusted adult.
4. We show respect for ourselves and others by how we talk and how we
act and interact. Inappropriate language, jokes, and actions are not
acceptable. The privacy of our bodies may never be violated by anyone
of any age.
5. We identify good and bad choices and determine how they affect us
and others. Sometimes other people make bad choices that affect us,
so we must tell and get help.
6. Adults and even children sometimes engage in actions or behaviors
that are wrong and sinful. The harmful consequences of these actions
and behaviors can damage our bodies, our minds, and our spirits. They
must be avoided or reported to a trusted adult.
7. Secrets can separate us from others and harms us in many ways.
8. Games and play activities with friends should be fun and enjoyable.
Some play and games can be wrong and very harmful and must be
avoided and reported to a trusted adult.
9. We must learn who is a good friend and who is not. When people
misuse our friendship by asking us to do something wrong, they are not
friends. It is painful to be mistreated or misused by someone we think
is a friend. We must report any misuse or mistreatment to a trusted
adult.
10. Even though the world is not always a safe place, my parents and
other trusted adults will keep me safe. While there are people who
make bad choices and who harm others, there are good and loving
people to help me.
11. My parents and family members and other trusted adults will listen to
me and help me. I will make a list of three trusted adults I can go to with
any problem in addition to my parents and family members. My parents
and I will make this list together.
• • •
The following is information your child should know.
1. We are all created in the image and likeness of God. My body is the
temple of the Holy Spirit.
2. Our families and trusted adults and teachers share a concern for our
safety.
3. We learn to differentiate between safe and unsafe or unwanted touch.
We are called to chastity and we have a responsibility to avoid and
immediately report any unwanted or unsafe touch to a parent or other
trusted adult.
4. We show respect for ourselves and others by the way we talk, act, and
live. We must identify respectful and disrespectful language and
actions and avoid anyone who fails to respect us. In particular, the
areas of our bodies covered by shirts and shorts are private and must
not be violated.
5. God gives us the gift of free will. All actions have consequences. We
must learn how to discern the implications of the choices we make
every day. When we experience the bad choices of others, we must
report the offense and get help.
6. The virtue of chastity helps us understand and identify actions or
behaviors which are wrong or sinful. Children, young adults must avoid
actions or experiences or behaviors which offend against chastity.
7. Secrets can be very harmful to us physically, emotionally, and
spiritually. Always question secret play, secret games and determine
how the secrets can cause great harm.
8. There are many different kinds of friendship. Healthy relationships and
friendships can help us to understand ourselves, God and others. We
can meet false friends who mistreat us or take advantage of our trust
and friendship. Poor relationships and false friendships can deeply
harm us psychologically, emotionally, spiritually and even physically.
People who manipulate or misuse our friendship are not friends. We
must report any relationships which can be harmful to us.
9. Good communication with my parents and family members helps keep
me safe. I can also help keep younger siblings and others safe by
being observant and concerned.
10. My parents and family and other trusted adults will listen to me and
help me. Make a list of three trusted adults who will listen to me and
help me. I will make a list of the three trusted adults I can go to with any
problem in addition to my parents and family members. My parents and
I will make the list together.
• • •
The following is information your adolescent should know.
Child abuse consists of sexual or physical abuse, or a combination of sexual and physical abuse.
• Sexual Abuse includes any act or interaction, whether or not it involves genital or physical contact, with or without consent, even if initiated by the child, which involves sexual contact, molestation or sexual exploitation of a child by a parent or any other person who has permanent or temporary care or custody or responsibility for supervision of a child, whether physical injuries are sustained or not, to include:
1. The intentional touching of the genitals or intimate parts, including the
female breast, the genital area, groin, inner thigh and buttocks of a child
or of a perpetrator by a child for purposes of sexual arousal or
gratification.
2. Rape, sexual intercourse (vaginal or anal), oral/genital, oral/anal
contact.
3. The intentional touching and/or displaying of one’s own genitals or
intimate parts, including the female breast, the genital area, groin, inner
thigh and buttocks in the presence and view of a child for purposes of
sexual arousal or gratification.
4. Permitting, causing, encouraging or assisting in the depiction of or
posing for viewing by any person, either in person or by way of graphic
means, including digital or photographic image of the partial or fully
unclothed body of a child, displaying intimate parts, in motion or not in
motion, alone or with other persons, or the depiction of a child in
apparent observation of sex acts by others in the child's presence.
5. Displaying or distributing to a child any picture, photograph, book,
pamphlet, digital image, movie or magazine, the cover or content of
which is principally made of descriptions, or depictions of sex acts or
contact, or which consists of pictures of nude or partially nude figures
posed or presented in a manner which the average person applying
contemporary community standards would find, taken as a whole,
appeals to the prurient interest.
6. Anything otherwise deemed to be sexual abuse by the law of the State
of Iowa.
• Physical Abuse includes any act which:
1. Willfully causes or inflicts physical injury to a child;
2. Willfully causes mental injury or psychological injury to a child by
intentionally engendering fear of physical injury to that child;
3. Is otherwise deemed to be physical abuse by the laws of the State of
Iowa. (Physical abuse does not include the appropriate physical r
restraint of a child who is attempting to injure another person or
him/herself, or the appropriate physical direction of a child away from
danger or the minimum restraint necessary to place a child in “time
out” or other appropriate limitation of movement to promote the child's
regaining of safety and emotional control.)
What are Ways to Protect Yourself?
[Excerpted from Sex and the Teenager Choices and Decisions by Kieran Sawyer, S.S.N.D, ©1999 by Ave Maria Press.
Used with permission of the publisher.]
Take precautions to limit the possibility that you might be sexually abused. Keep the following points in mind:
1. Your body is your sacred domain. You have a right to decide how it will
be touched and by whom. No one is ever free to force, pressure, or
tease you into having sexual contact of any kind.
2. Trust your own feelings. If someone’s conduct or attitude seems
suspicious, or if you are confused, afraid, and uncomfortable, there
may be a good reason.
3. Have a clear idea of your own sexual values, goals, and ideals. Be
assertive in saying no if you feel you are being pushed or pressured.
4. Don’t weaken your defenses with alcohol or any other substance.
5. Don’t walk alone at night. Don’t hitchhike or accept rides from
strangers.
6. Immediately leave a room if someone is there you can’t trust.
7. Don’t be alone with a date in a potentially dangerous place like an
empty house or a parked car.
8. Refuse single dates with someone you don’t know well and never go on
a date with someone who has the reputation of being sexually abusive
or immoral.
9. Never accept a drink you have not poured and never set your drink
down or leave it unattended. (Rapists today are using powerful drugs
like Rohypnol and GHB - commonly called ruffies, roofies, and many
other street names - to disable
females. These drugs are slipped into a person's drink.
10. Avoid any situation you deem to be dangerous.
What to Do if You or Someone You Know has Been Sexually Abused
If you have been abused in the past and have never talked about it, tell someone you trust, preferably a parent, teacher, counselor or youth minister. You may need professional help to cope with the abuse, to put it in perspective, and to move on to a healthier way of relating to the world.
If you or someone you know has been the victim of sexual abuse by a priest, deacon, or another person representing the Catholic Church you may also take one of the following actions:
• Contact the Archdiocese of Dubuque's Office of Child Protection at 800-876-3546.
• Contact the professional Victim Assistance Coordinator who is under contract to provide services to
the Archdiocese but is not an employee of the Church at 563-584-3000.
• Contact the Iowa Child Abuse Reporting Hotline at 800-362-2178, a local child protection agency, or
a private attorney.
• Contact the appropriate law enforcement agency in the jurisdiction where the abuse occurred.
Related Links
• Parent Guide--What You Should Know About Protecting Your Child from Sexual Abuse
• How to Talk With Children About the Church's Sex Abuse Crisis
[Last Update 03.02.21]