The loss of someone or something which we have relied upon to support and sustain us is always a traumatic personal and spiritual experience. Often, such a loss shatters dreams and destroys expectations; in many cases it ends relationships which people have worked years to establish and maintain. Even when expected, the loss of someone or something to which we have become attached triggers a natural reaction of sorrow and grief; it also commonly elicits a variety of other emotions such as shock, denial, anger, guilt, relief, and depression.
For people of faith, the kind of losses which produce grief are a challenge because they are always connected to the great mysteries of faith: death and suffering. As a result, such losses often raise serious questions of a spiritual nature: doubts about God’s faithfulness, the value of religious faith, the efficacy of prayer, or the sincerity of the church community. While some individuals find comfort and courage in their religious convictions following a personal loss, others feel betrayed or embarrassed by their faith or the church, and some are tempted to suspend active participation in a faith community.
If you are a person of faith grieving a personal loss, remember that faith is never a guarantee that bad things will not happen, even though we were sometimes taught to think that it is. In fact, faith is the conviction that all will eventually be well in spite of the sad things that happen. Faith is what enables us to respond with determination and hope when we experience devastating and sometimes inexplicable losses.
If you are a person of faith who is grieving a loss, here are some general suggestions which you might find helpful:
• Continue to pray, even if it means changing when, how or why you pray.
In the immediate aftermath of a loss, many people lose the will or the ability to actually “say” prayers. We are so used to praying that bad things won't happen, we are literally left speechless when one does. This may be a time for developing a new way to pray by sitting quietly and letting God speak to you. Be attentive to the various ways, occasions, and circumstances in which you might be hearing God's voice for the first time. Some people keep a prayer journal during difficult times to record thoughts, feelings and impressions which might, on closer examination, reveal God's presence and direction in their lives. Others discover the value of joining a prayer group, choosing a prayer partner, or using a prescribed form of prayer such as the daily Liturgy of the Hours, the Rosary, Centering or Meditative Prayer. Some individuals find reading the Psalms or the Book of Lamentations a helpful way to identify and express their feelings in a prayerful way. If grief leaves you without energy or attention for prayer, you might simply repeat the simple Jesus Prayer: "Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me."
Related Links:
> The Prayer of Lament
>Lamentation Practice for a Time of Crisis
> Praying When It's Hard
> An Examen in Times of Pain
> Simple Listening Prayer
> Three Traditional Forms of Catholic Prayer
> How to Develop a Sacramental Imagination
> Prayerful Meditation for When Life Changes
• Continue to participate as fully as possible in the spiritual and sacramental life of
the faith community.
In some cases, a bereaved person may find it difficult to remain actively involved in a parish community, especially if they have been active there with a loved one who has died. In other cases, survivors find it difficult to feel at home in a faith community where people around them seem completely unaware and unconcerned about their loss. It is helpful to remember that most members of the faith community have suffered painful losses in their own lives and they will be sympathetic to your situation, although they may not know exactly what to say or do; their presence at Eucharist is a reminder that our shared faith helps all of us survive the loss of the people, things or conditions which we relied upon to support and sustain us.
In addition, there are some practical things you can do if attending church is difficult:
• change the time of Mass you attend;
• change the place where you sit in church;
• ask a good friend to accompany you to church;
• attend a different parish until you feel comfortable returning to your home parish.
• Continue to seek the support and advice of good friends, a trusted personal confidant,
or a wise spiritual director.
No one knows the pain a bereaved person is suffering better than other people who have experienced it themselves, so individuals or support groups are important and valuable resources. The important thing is to find someone who can walk with you, at your own pace, through the healing process. These may be people you know well, but sometimes they are not close friends or family members. People who want to "fix things" too soon may not be very helpful; people who are too quick to say they know exactly how you feel are not consoling; people who assure you that "life goes on" may not be very helpful either. If you are troubled about spiritual questions related to your loss, it is important to find a spiritual director, confidant, pastor or pastoral staff person in whom you can confide and whose advice you trust.
• Continue to grow and deepen your faith in God's mercy and love.
Traumatic losses remind us that we are limited, incomplete, imperfect, and vulnerable human beings. We cannot control everything in our lives; we cannot have everything we desire; we cannot do well everything we would like to do; we cannot protect ourselves or our loved ones from sorrow, pain and loss. In other words, as Adam and Even discovered, we are not God, and we cannot save ourselves. In fact, we are all dependent upon God and other people to help us live peacefully with our losses, limitations, and disappointments.
When the people we want or expect to help us are unable or unwilling to do so, we must find and accept others who can help, always trusting that God works in unexpected and mysterious ways. In the end, we must surrender everything -- all of our losses; our pain and suffering; in time, even our very lives -- to God's mercy and love; then all that remains is the love we have given and received. That is why many spiritual guides say much of life is really about preparing to die well.
For many Catholic Christians through the ages, the most perfect example of a human being who was able to accept her own limitations and opportunities was the Blessed Virgin Mary, who accepted God's plan for the incarnation of Jesus Christ with courage and trust. For that reason, our most perfect prayer in times when we are struggling with loss may be Mary's prayer, The Magnificat:
My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord; my spirit rejoices in God my savior.
For the Lord has looked upon his handmaid’s lowliness; behold, from now on will
all ages call me blessed.
The Mighty One has done great things for me, and holy is his name. His mercy is
from age to age to those who fear him.
He has shown might with his arm, dispersed the arrogant of mind and heart. He
has thrown down the rulers from their thrones but lifted up the lowly. The hungry
he has filled with good things; the rich he has sent away empty.
He has helped Israel his servant, remembering his mercy, according to his
promise to Abraham and to his descendants forever.
Although your loss may change your understanding of faith, your relationship to God, or your relationship to the Church, it can become an opportunity for an even deeper, more enduring spiritual life. Often what makes us feel like we are losing our faith is only an invitation to grow into a deeper stage of faith. As in most matters related to faith, the real challenge is to continue growing in your understanding and appreciation for the mystery of life and the mystery of God's unconditional love.
Related Links:
> Living and Healing From Grief
> Resources for Persons Who Are Grieving
> Spiritual Stress Checklist
> Stages of Faith
Disclaimer
This information is not provided by medical professionals and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical help or personal counseling. If you are in need of immediate help,
contact a medical professional, a suicide prevention hotline, or call 9-1-1.
Last Update: 05.04.21