Suicide is personally more devastating, emotionally more traumatic, and spiritually more challenging than any other form of loss. The Catholic Parishes extend our deepest sympathy to family members and friends who are suffering from the loss of a loved who has committed suicide.
There are various reasons why the suicide of a loved one is more painful than a natural death, but one is that suicide usually seems both intentional and unnecessary; it provokes emotions which are not always present in natural death.
Anger. Although a bereaved person may feel angry at a loved one who dies from natural death, they understand that in most cases the person did not have an immediate choice about dying. Even though a loved one’s death may result from a long series of bad decisions which took place over a long period of time, it does not seem like the person deliberately chose to die when they did. This does not feel like the case of a loved one who, survivors presume, could have chosen not to take their life but did. As a result, suicide survivors often feel deliberately betrayed or abandoned, even rejected or shamed. They may resent the fact that a loved one did not give them a chance to help, to say goodbye, and apparently did not consider the pain and heartache they would cause those left behind.
Guilt. Similarly, when a person dies from natural death, survivors do not usually feel like they should or could have prevented the death. But deaths from suicide often leave survivors feeling that they “should have known” or “could have done something”. This sense of guilt may be compounded by the fact that, looking back after the death, survivors see signs that they now feel they should have recognized at the time but didn’t. In some cases, suicide survivors may have recognized a problem but did not think it was that serious, or did not think a chronic problem would end in suicide. They may blame themselves for not “paying more attention.” This guilt may present itself as shame, which is emotionally and spiritually even more debilitating; it may also lead to denial, embarrassment, blaming and judging, all of which only complicate the grieving process.
Confusion. Suicide raises a thousand questions. Even when the reasons are percievable, survivors still wonder But why? or Why now? Why didn't we know? or What more could we have done? But the bigger fact is that suicide compounds the mystery which surrounds life and death itself. We are never quite sure about when or why death occurs, much less what happens after death. In the case of a natural death, there is usually some immediate cause: old age, a chronic health condition, an unexpected medical failure, an accident. But suicide is not only unexpected, it often seems inexplicable.
Being human beings who think we should be able to figure everything out, suicide poses a challenge. It reminds us that life itself is fragile, and we are all fallible and vulnerable persons. It remind us that each person is a mystery, sometimes even to themselves, and no matter how much we think we know (or should know) the people we deeply love, there may always be a part of another person which is known only to God. Suicide immerses us, without warning and without choice, not only in the mystery of death, but also the mystery of life.
Dearest Lord, I entrust (name) to your undying mercy and love.
While in this life, they felt much pain and found life difficult.
May you enfold them now with your love where no pain can find them, but rather your love
can heal them.
Make them Guardian Angels for those who struggle with life, for those who struggle to see
you and the love that is around them.
Give them Lord, kind admittance to your Kingdom and bring comfort to their families.
I ask this, as I ask all things, through Christ our Lord. Amen.
Courtesy of BustedHalo
Dear Lord, Please help me in this time of loss and overwhelming grief. I don’t
understand why my life is filled with this pain and heartache. But I turn my eyes to you
as I seek to find the strength to trust in your faithfulness. I will wait on you and not
despair; I will quietly wait for your salvation.
My heart is crushed, but I know that you will not abandon me forever. Please show me
your compassion, Lord. Help me through the pain so that I will hope in you again. I
believe this promise in your Word to send me fresh mercy each day. Though I can’t see
past today, I trust your great love will never fail me. Amen.
By Mary Fairchild
> See more Survivor's Prayers here and here.
These suggestions for suicide survivors are based on recommendations by Dr. Alan Wolfelt with additional information by Dave Cushing.
Accept the intensity of your grief. Don’t be surprised by the intensity of your grief. Be patient, compassionate and understanding with yourself as you struggle with explosive emotions such as confusion, guilt, fear, anger and shame. Don’t be surprised if at times, often when you least expect it, you feel overwhelmed by these emotions. Do not be embarrassed by such feelings because they seem inappropriate; they are all perfectly appropriate to one degree or another for a person who has experienced the suicide of a loved one. Remember too that tears are a natural and helpful expression of grief.
Break through the silence. Your thoughts and feelings may seem difficult to acknowledge and even more difficult to share, but you can defuse their destructive nature by speaking these fears out loud, writing them in a journal, or writing them in letters to your loved one who committed suicide. .Don’t be afraid to feel and express emotions you wouldn’t normally feel, like anger, resentment, hurt, fear -- even relief, in some cases. Choose a confidant who is a good listener, is not inclined to judge or offer "helpful advice", and is not afraid to let you be completely honest. Don’t be surprised if you need to repeat your thoughts and feelings over and over; repetition is the price of recovery.
Reject simplistic explanations and clichés. People like to cover over the horror of suicide with simple clichés and trite sayings. It may not always be easy to correct others who say such things, but don’t use them on yourself. Recognize that easy answers or polite excuses only intensify the pain. The fact is that a loved one’s suicide is incredibly painful and there are no simple or easy explanations that will take away the pain. Don’t pretend just to make others feel more comfortable. In the end, recovery may mean learning to live with the mystery and pain, not dismissing it.
Be honest. Don't hide from the fact that a loved one committed suicide. You do not need to be ashamed or afraid to tell the truth or feel responsible for what happened. Recognize that you need people who can accept this truth and can allow you to express your feelings without fear of criticism, rejection or judgment. In some cases, family members and close friends who are also grieving the suicide are good people to share with; in other cases they are not. In addition to people you know well, you may need to find others who are not as emotionally attached, like acquaintances who are not best friends, clergy, a spiritual guide or counselor, or a suicide support group.
Take responsibility for your grief and recovery. Of course there are other family members and friends who are also grieving the suicide of your loved one, and sometimes family members help one another through the grieving process. But every person grieves in their own way and at their own pace. You are primarily responsible for your own recovery -- and in the case of parents, for your children’s recovery. Choose what is best for you (and your children). Be careful not to bury your own grief in an effort to help others recover from theirs.
Give your relationship with your loved one time to heal. To experience grief is the result of having loved. In the immediate aftermath of a suicide you may feel a range of emotions related to your loved one, including shock, disbelief, anger and betrayal. This is not like the closure or change which follows a natural death; it is more like the grief which follows an unwanted breakup or divorce, accompanied by all of the additional grief of death itself.
Can you still love your loved one?
Can you forgive, even if you can’t understand, the choice they made?
Can you still cherish the affection you once felt for them?
Will good memories outweigh the pain and heartache of the suicide?
The answers to such questions may evolve only slowly over time, and they may change before you come to a final conclusion. In the end, how you answer these questions may depend on whether you can believe that, however deliberate, deceptive, painful, selfish, even cruel, the suicide was, your loved one did not intend to hurt you, and their decision does not invalidate the love and affection you shared with each other.
Recognize the spiritual challenge. If you are a religious person, you may find your faith a source of consolation and hope; on the other hand, you may feel that God, like your loved one, has betrayed or abandoned you. Actually, you may feel both ways at the same time, and both are entirely appropriate given the circumstances. Religious people often live with the assumption that faith is a guarantee of sorts against pain and suffering. When horrible things happen we think, This isn’t fair. This is more than I can handle. How could God do (or allow) this? The truth is, because this is an imperfect and unfinished world, and because we are imperfect, unfinished and sinful people, there are some things which God cannot prevent. In such cases, we have to trust that God is, nevertheless, at work in the world, healing what needs to be healed in God’s own way and God’s own time. If we are people of faith, we can only hope that in the end God will make all things right.
If you are a religious person struggling spiritually with a loved one’s suicide, you should visit with a pastor, a confessor or spiritual guide.
> Click here to read more about the spiritual challenges of suicide.
Be patient with yourself and your recovery. Every person, every family member, heals from the shock of a suicide differently, and nobody “gets over it” quickly or automatically. Recovering may take more time for some than others, and the path to recovery may differ from one person to the next. Don’t compare yourself to other family members or friends, some of whom may seem to be recovering sooner, and some of whom may be denying or ignoring their grief in order to “get on with their lives.” Remember, you are “reconstructing” your life and creating a "new normal", and this takes time.
At first, it may seem like all you can think about (or feel) is the suicide. Depending upon the urgency, you will gradually begin to re-engage with other aspects of your life -- your children, family, work, friends, church. If you do this too soon, or go on without processing your feelings, you will short-change the grieving process which is necessary for your future mental and spiritual health. You will probably never forget that you love a person who committed suicide, but over time the immediate memory of that fact will recede somewhat and you will be able to do other things, engage with other people, and be present to the moment without consciously thinking about the tragedy of your loved one's suicide all the time. This will be the "new normal."
Know when to get help. No one heals all by themselves. When family and friends do not seem to be enough, you may need professional help. Here are some symptoms which are a cause for concern; any one could mean that you need help from a professional counselor or therapist:
• Emotional numbness that does not subside for months after the suicide.
• Unusual emotional outbursts like anger or frustration.
• Insomnia or recurring nightmares.
• Sustained depression or unrelieved “blues”.
• Feeling isolated and unable to connect with others to share grief.
• Withdrawal from normal routines and relationships.
• Inability to perform normal responsibilities when required, e.g., returning to work, caring for
one’s children or household.
• Staying busy to avoid feelings.
• Increased use of alcohol, drugs, or prescription medications.
• Suicidal thoughts.
(By Christopher Heffron. Published by Franciscan Media/St. Anthony Messenger Press)
The Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches: “Everyone is responsible for his life before God who has given it to him. It is God who remains the sovereign Master of life. We are obliged to accept life gratefully and preserve it for his honor and the salvation of our souls. We are stewards, not owners, of the life God has entrusted to us. It is not ours to dispose of (#2280).
“Suicide contradicts the natural inclination of the human being to preserve and perpetuate his life. It is gravely contrary to the just love of self. It likewise offends love of neighbor because it unjustly breaks the ties of solidarity with family, nation, and other human societies to which we continue to have obligations. Suicide is contrary to love for the living God” (#2281).
After acknowledging that grave psychological disturbance, anguish or grave fear of hardship, suffering or torture can diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide (#2282), the Catechism points out: “We should not despair of the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives. By ways known to him alone, God can provide the opportunity for salutary repentance. The Church prays for persons who have taken their own lives” (#2283).
At one time, a person who committed suicide could not have a funeral Mass. In more recent times, this has been permitted and I have concelebrated at several such funerals. A funeral is for the living as well as the person who has died. Families are often comforted by a funeral Mass. Suicide is still wrong.
We uphold the sanctity of all life from conception to natural death. Even so, only God knows a person’s heart well enough to pass final judgment on him or her.
> Read the text of the Catechism here.
Learn More
> Click here to read more about the spiritual challenges facing suicide survivors.
> Click here for a list of online and published resources for suicide survivors.
Disclaimer
This information is not provided by medical professionals and is not intended as a substitute for
professional medical help or personal counseling. If you are in need of immediate help,
contact a medical professional, a suicide prevention hotline, or call 9-1-1.
Last Update: 09.08.23