Suicide is a traumatic personal and spiritual experience. Suicide shatters dreams and betrays expectations; in many cases it suddenly destroys a relationship which people have worked years to establish and maintain. The wrenching personal tragedy of suicide creates a wide variety of powerful and sometimes conflicting emotions, including anger, fear, resentment, shame and guilt. In addition to the practical challenges which accompany the suicide of a loved one, suicide often raises serious issues of self-confidence, self-respect, and self-esteem among family members and friends.
For people of faith, the suicide of a loved one may also raise serious questions of a spiritual nature: doubts about God’s faithfulness, the value of religious faith, the efficacy of prayer, or the sincerity of the church community. While some individuals find comfort and courage in their religious convictions following a suicide, others feel betrayed or embarrassed by their faith or the church and some are tempted to abandon active participation in a faith community.
If you are a person of faith confronting the devastating results of a loved one's suicide, remember that faith is never a guarantee that bad things will not happen, even though we were sometimes taught to think that it is. In fact, faith is the conviction that all will eventually be well in spite of the bad things that happen. Faith is what enables us to respond with determination and hope when we experience devastating and inexplicable tragedies like suicide.
If you are a person of faith who is struggling spiritually because of a loved one's suicide, here are some general suggestions which you might find helpful:
• Continue to pray, even if it means changing when, how or why you pray.
In the immediate aftermath of a traumatic loss, many people lose the will or the ability to actually “say” prayers. We are so used to praying that bad things won't happen, we are left speechless when one does. This may be a time for developing a new way to pray by sitting quietly and letting God speak to you. Be attentive to the various ways, occasions, and circumstances in which you might be hearing God's voice for the first time. Some people keep a prayer journal during difficult times to record thoughts, feelings and impressions which might reveal God's presence and direction in their lives. Others discover the value of joining a prayer group, choosing a prayer partner, or using a prescribed form of prayer such as the daily Liturgy of the Hours, the Rosary, Centering or Meditative Prayer. Some individuals find reading the Psalms or the Book of Lamentations is a helpful way to identify and express their feelings in a prayerful way. If grief leaves you without energy or attention for prayer, you might simply repeat the simple Jesus Prayer: "Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me."
Related Links:
> The Prayer of Lament
>Lamentation Practice for a Time of Crisis
> Praying When It's Hard
> An Examen in Times of Pain
> Simple Listening Prayer
> Three Traditional Forms of Catholic Prayer
> How to Develop a Sacramental Imagination
> Prayerful Meditation for When Life Changes
• Continue to participate as fully as possible in the spiritual and sacramental life of
the faith community.
In some cases, family members find it difficult to remain actively involved in a parish community if they feel other Catholics are judging them or a loved one who committed suicide. In other cases, survivors find it difficult to feel at home in a faith community where people around them seem completely unaware or unconcerned about their personal suffering. It is helpful to remember that most members of the faith community have suffered painful disappointments, losses and failures in their own lives, and they will be sympathetic to your situation, although they may not know exactly what to say or do; their presence at Eucharist is a reminder that our shared faith helps all of us survive devastating traumas like the suicide of a loved one.
In addition, there are some practical things you can do if attending church is difficult:
• change the time of Mass you attend;
• change the place where you sit in church;
• ask a good friend to accompany you to church;
• attend a different parish until you feel comfortable returning to your home parish.
• Continue to value your association with the Church.
Most Catholics are aware of the Church's teaching on suicide, and some survivors may feel embarrassed, ashamed, or judged by the Church's teaching. It is important to remember that the Church makes a critical distinction between what is objectively wrong and an individual's moral responsibility in particular circumstances. The Catechism of the Catholic Church is quite clear that "grave psychological disturbances, anguish, or grave fear of hardship [or] suffering" can diminish the personal responsibility of a person who takes their own life. (# 2282) The Catechism assures us: "We should not despair of the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives. By ways known to God alone, the Catechism says, God's mercy can provide what lacking for any person's salvation. (#2283)
The Catholic priest and author Ronald Rolheiser puts it this way: "There’s sometimes a point in people’s lives where they are overpowered, defeated, and unable to continue to will their own living – parallel to one who dies as a victim of a drought, hurricane, cancer, heart disease, diabetes, or Alzheimer’s. There’s no sin in being overpowered by a deadly storm."
It may also be consoling to remember under these circumstances that it is the Church's responsibility to hold out to us behavior which most fully reflects the ideals of the Gospel, but at the same time it realizes that we are all human and sinful, and we all fall short of Gospel ideals in many aspects of our lives. As Pope John XXIII said in his address the the opening of the Second Vatican Council, "Nowadays ...the Spouse of Christ prefers to make use of the medicine of mercy rather than that of severity. She considers that she meets the needs of the present day by demonstrating the value of her teaching rather than by condemnations.... [T]he Catholic Church... desires to show herself to be the loving mother of all, benign, patient, full of mercy and goodness...."
> Read the text of the Catechism here.
> Read Fr. Rolheiser's article "On Suicide and Despair"
• Continue to seek the support and advice of good friends, a trusted personal
confidant, or a wise spiritual director.
No one knows the pain of a loved one's suicide better than people who have experienced it themselves, so individuals or support groups of suicide survivors are an important and valuable resource. The important thing is to find someone who can walk with you, at your own pace, through the healing process. People who want to "fix things" too soon may not be very helpful; people who say they know exactly how you feel probably don't, and may not be very helpful either. If you are troubled about spiritual questions related to your loved one's suicide, it is important to find a spiritual director, pastor or pastoral staff person in whom you can confide and whose advice you trust.
• Continue to grow and deepen your faith in God's mercy and love.
At the root of many emotional and spiritual problems is a failure to accept and live with the fact that we are limited, incomplete, imperfect, and vulnerable human beings. We cannot control everything in our lives; we cannot have everything we desire; we cannot do well everything we would like to do; we cannot protect ourselves or our loved ones from sorrow, pain and loss. In other words, as Adam and Even discovered, we are not God, and we cannot save ourselves. In fact, we are all dependent on God and on other people to help us live peacefully with our limitations, disappointments and failures. When the people we want or expect to help us are unable or unwilling to do so, we must find and accept others who can help, always trusting that God works in unexpected and mysterious ways. In the end, we must surrender everything, even our very lives, to God's mercy and love; all that remains is the love we have given and received. That is why many spiritual guides say much of life is really about preparing to die well.
For many Catholic Christians through the ages, the most perfect example of a human being who was able to accept her own limitations and opportunities was the Blessed Virgin Mary, who accepted God's plan for the incarnation of Jesus Christ with courage and trust. For that reason, our most perfect prayer in times when we are struggling with limitations and disappointments may be Mary's response:
My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord; my spirit rejoices in God my savior.
For the Lord has looked upon his handmaid’s lowliness; behold, from now on will
all ages call me blessed.
The Mighty One has done great things for me, and holy is his name. His mercy is
from age to age to those who fear him.
He has shown might with his arm, dispersed the arrogant of mind and heart. He
has thrown down the rulers from their thrones but lifted up the lowly. The hungry
he has filled with good things; the rich he has sent away empty.
He has helped Israel his servant, remembering his mercy, according to his
promise to Abraham and to his descendants forever.
Although your loved one's suicide may change your understanding of faith, your relationship to God, or your relationship to the Church, it can become an opportunity for an even deeper, more enduring spiritual life. As in most matters related to faith, the real challenge is to continue growing in your understanding and appreciation for the mystery of life and the mystery of God's love.
Learn More
• Download a checklist to determine if you are suffering from Spiritual Stress.
Disclaimer
This information is not provided by medical professionals and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical help or personal counseling. If you are in need of immediate help,
contact a medical professional, a suicide prevention hotline, or call 9-1-1.
Last Update: 04.17.18